Lent 2009

+JC

LENT day three:

Okay, so I have been really slacking on this blog thing here. I am prepared to write more during Lent. I have given up phatmass, facebook, myspace, but not my blog. My blog is my way of sharing the inspirations and meditations I receive in contemplation. Lent is a time to really begin to do what I intended to do when I created this... and so, with phatmass on the back burner for now, I can really concentrate and not be so joyfully distracted! :-)

Last year, my Lent was one of the most difficult in my whole life! Here's why: I seriously contemplated what I needed to do for Lent. In contemplation, I reflected on how far this world is from God. I received inspiration to "comfort" Our Dear Lord. The world's ignorance of God became the center of my concern. How does God feel about his wayward children? How is He affected by the indifference? After all, He is God, but does He get wounded? Does He feel pain in His Sacred Heart when He loves and does not receive love in return?

He showers love upon every individual on the face of this earth....but just how much of that love is reciprocated? I prayed to Jesus, to help me to offer up my own relationships, to see just how much it feels like to be unappreciated and to dish out love and receive rejection in return...

...watch out what you pray for...

Without much warning, my most cherished friend decided not to speak to me anymore! I mean, this person was the David to my Jonathan! (1 Samuel 18:1; 20:17.) The pain I received from this sudden alienation was to haunt me, not only for the rest of Lent but even beyond...

Think about it. Think about your closest confidant, the only person you tell all your stuff to, the only one you trust; the person to whom you expose your most vulnerable side. When this friend abandoned me, I felt so humiliated. All my self-confidence was destroyed. Believing that I was cherished as much as I cherished, and then realizing that I was not, left me very humbled....and afraid. The shock of this was intense. I had just lost my mom, I had just walked away from religious life, I was on the verge of losing a whole bunch of new "friends," and now, the only person I felt loyalty from, was cutting me out...for good...it seemed.

You can imagine the rejection I was feeling...the loneliness, the betrayal...at one point, I regretted having loved and cared so much.

I'm not sure if any of you have ever experienced this from a friend. I tend to love my friends very deeply. I know this love is from God, because it wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't real.

Because of my mortal weakness, I discovered I could not survive being treated thusly, and I totally fell apart emotionally by this episode. Although my sufferings could never compare to the suffering of Christ, I believe God wanted me to taste just a little of what He must endure from our cold, dark world, with it's hatred and ingratitude towards His Great Love.

...and yet, there is one thing we can count on...

...God will NEVER regret loving us...He will never regret the Cross He carried, and the Death He procured to save us from our sinfulness!

People are always complaining about not having rights. They want the right to live wretched, sinful lives. In all the arguments over same-sex marriages, abortions, divorce, euthanasia, etc. We are forgetting that God has rights! He has the right to be loved and appreciated by His creation! But no one thinks of that...they only think of themselves...they don't remember for one moment that there is a God who is madly in love with them...who is reaching out to them...who is pining for them...waiting and hoping to receive anything, something in return for His Love.

...so although it is something I never want to go through again, I received a great gift last Lent (and most of last year...) In the depth of my anguish for losing my most dearest friend, I found myself desperately reaching out in the darkness that surrounded me...and in reaching out...I discovered the Hand of God, reaching out to me in much the same way...

Struggling

The month of January is now gone. I realize I haven't posted as often as I would have liked to. But the first month of the year is an extremely busy one at the office. And I'm usually stressed and burned out by the time I get home. 

AS I write this, we Catholics celebrate the Feast of St. Blaise. He was a bishop of the Church and a martyr, because he was killed for his Faith in Jesus Christ. He is traditionally known as the patron saint of those with throat maladies. The reason for this is quite simple. A young boy was choking on fishbones and was about to die when St. Blaise laid his hands on the boy's throat and prayed.  The boy was miraculously healed by God through the prayers of St. Blaise.   On this day, all Catholics receive a blessing on their throats in memory of this beautiful miracle.

The first reading at Mass really struck me:

[Hebrews 12]

{12:1} Furthermore, since we also have so great a cloud of witnesses over us, let us set aside every burden and sin which may surround us, and advance, through patience, to the struggle offered to us.
{12:2} Let us gaze upon Jesus, as the Author and the completion of our faith, who, having joy laid out before him, endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and who now sits at the right hand of the throne of God.
{12:3} So then, meditate upon him who endured such adversity from sinners against himself, so that you may not become weary, failing in your souls.
{12:4} For you have not yet resisted unto blood, while striving against sin.

I am always in awe at Holy Scripture. Written thousands of years ago, yet, written for me...for my own personal direction...

I am struggling very much these days. I think it is because I am self-centered. I spoke to Sr. Joachim about this...and she agreed. But she added, that I was alone in my life, and therefore, it is quite reasonable to be overly-concerned with myself, since there isn't anyone else to distract me...

It isn't easy being a young, single, Catholic woman in today's world. I think the belief is that as a female, I'm supposed to be strong in my profession, overly ambitious, and not show any sign of weakness or else I won't get to the top...

...but what if I don't care to get all the way to the top? ...what if I like to be 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even last???

Also, people get a little curious when I tell them I am single and not dating or attached to any young man. "Is she gay," they wonder? "She must be sleeping around," some say as they try to comprehend it. No, I am not gay and no, I am not a slut. I'm living with what the world considers a bizarre and unusual condition: celibacy...

This is what struck me about the first reading at Holy Mass today...that I really do live a life that is counter-cultural. And from time to time, I can feel persecuted for what I believe and for practicing my Faith.

We are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses....

St. Paul writes this to insist that living in imitation of Jesus Christ isn't impossible for us humans. In the 2,000 year history of the Catholic Church, we have thousands if not millions of witnesses to the Faith of Jesus Christ. We call them Saints. They prove to me that I have no excuses. As a human being, it is definitely difficult, but as a human being, it is not impossible....because nothing is impossible with God...

I hate it when I hear people say, "I can't live those commandments. They are too restrictive." Those commandments are there to free us. It's when you don't live them that you become enslaved to your sins and weaknesses. You built your own prison.  St. Paul compares life to a race.  We are running a race.  Against who?  Against sin.  And if we want happiness forever with God in the next world, we must win this race.  This is why St. Paul urges us to lay aside every weight...he's speaking of the sins that hold us down.  Every good runner knows that you can't allow anything to hold you down in a race...!  Releasing our sins does not restrict us but sets us free...

I must admit, it isn't easy. For those of you who are reading and following my blog, I ask that you pray for me. My life is pretty confusing. And I struggle greatly with my purpose in life...

...you see, I used to live in a convent...

...and much of my heart wishes to return to religious life, but circumstances and obstacles continue to block my way back...

...usually I call them obstacles, but most of my spiritual directors have called it the Will of God...

It isn't easy having such an intense desire, when it doesn't seem to be getting any where close to fulfillment.  I can only trust in God that He certainly knows what He's doing with my life.  It is hard to be in my spot, because I feel so alone.  I feel like a fish out of water.  And temptations surround me.  

I miss religious living...I miss being in the formation program, hoping for that day when I would give my total self to Jesus Christ.  But you really don't have to be in a convent to do this...I understand that now.  I must do this another way...

This reading from St. Paul is like a pep talk.  It's like St. Paul is almost begging us to persevere, every step of the way, because there is a purpose to our existence.  We don't see the big picture, only God does.  And with God's help, I certainly will make my life something beautiful for Him...