The month of January is now gone. I realize I haven't posted as often as I would have liked to. But the first month of the year is an extremely busy one at the office. And I'm usually stressed and burned out by the time I get home.
AS I write this, we Catholics celebrate the Feast of St. Blaise. He was a bishop of the Church and a martyr, because he was killed for his Faith in Jesus Christ. He is traditionally known as the patron saint of those with throat maladies. The reason for this is quite simple. A young boy was choking on fishbones and was about to die when St. Blaise laid his hands on the boy's throat and prayed. The boy was miraculously healed by God through the prayers of St. Blaise. On this day, all Catholics receive a blessing on their throats in memory of this beautiful miracle.
The first reading at Mass really struck me:
{12:2} Let us gaze upon Jesus, as the Author and the completion of our faith, who, having joy laid out before him, endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and who now sits at the right hand of the throne of God.
{12:3} So then, meditate upon him who endured such adversity from sinners against himself, so that you may not become weary, failing in your souls.
{12:4} For you have not yet resisted unto blood, while striving against sin.
I am always in awe at Holy Scripture. Written thousands of years ago, yet, written for me...for my own personal direction...
I am struggling very much these days. I think it is because I am self-centered. I spoke to Sr. Joachim about this...and she agreed. But she added, that I was alone in my life, and therefore, it is quite reasonable to be overly-concerned with myself, since there isn't anyone else to distract me...
It isn't easy being a young, single, Catholic woman in today's world. I think the belief is that as a female, I'm supposed to be strong in my profession, overly ambitious, and not show any sign of weakness or else I won't get to the top...
...but what if I don't care to get all the way to the top? ...what if I like to be 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even last???
Also, people get a little curious when I tell them I am single and not dating or attached to any young man. "Is she gay," they wonder? "She must be sleeping around," some say as they try to comprehend it. No, I am not gay and no, I am not a slut. I'm living with what the world considers a bizarre and unusual condition: celibacy...
This is what struck me about the first reading at Holy Mass today...that I really do live a life that is counter-cultural. And from time to time, I can feel persecuted for what I believe and for practicing my Faith.
We are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses....
St. Paul writes this to insist that living in imitation of Jesus Christ isn't impossible for us humans. In the 2,000 year history of the Catholic Church, we have thousands if not millions of witnesses to the Faith of Jesus Christ. We call them Saints. They prove to me that I have no excuses. As a human being, it is definitely difficult, but as a human being, it is not impossible....because nothing is impossible with God...
I hate it when I hear people say, "I can't live those commandments. They are too restrictive." Those commandments are there to free us. It's when you don't live them that you become enslaved to your sins and weaknesses. You built your own prison. St. Paul compares life to a race. We are running a race. Against who? Against sin. And if we want happiness forever with God in the next world, we must win this race. This is why St. Paul urges us to lay aside every weight...he's speaking of the sins that hold us down. Every good runner knows that you can't allow anything to hold you down in a race...! Releasing our sins does not restrict us but sets us free...
I must admit, it isn't easy. For those of you who are reading and following my blog, I ask that you pray for me. My life is pretty confusing. And I struggle greatly with my purpose in life...
...you see, I used to live in a convent...
...and much of my heart wishes to return to religious life, but circumstances and obstacles continue to block my way back...
...usually I call them obstacles, but most of my spiritual directors have called it the Will of God...
It isn't easy having such an intense desire, when it doesn't seem to be getting any where close to fulfillment. I can only trust in God that He certainly knows what He's doing with my life. It is hard to be in my spot, because I feel so alone. I feel like a fish out of water. And temptations surround me.
I miss religious living...I miss being in the formation program, hoping for that day when I would give my total self to Jesus Christ. But you really don't have to be in a convent to do this...I understand that now. I must do this another way...
This reading from St. Paul is like a pep talk. It's like St. Paul is almost begging us to persevere, every step of the way, because there is a purpose to our existence. We don't see the big picture, only God does. And with God's help, I certainly will make my life something beautiful for Him...
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