My losses are not lost

I've been pretty depressed since the year began, and since my best friend axed me out of her life...

I don't have many friends. I do on paper, but not in real life. I am pretty much a loner, and I don't allow myself to get close to anyone. I've been speaking to a couple of guys, wondering if I should be romantically involved...perhaps date again...but none of them seem to stand out to me. There is only one Guy that I am interested in...and that Guy is Jesus Christ.

Romance is one thing, but friendship is different. Even God says so. All throughout the Bible, there are references on how important friendship is. God calls it a "treasure." Even Jesus had a best friend in St. John, His beloved apostle. For me, friendship comes from the heart. I tend to love my friends very deeply, incorporating them into every aspect of my life. It's only once in a while, a friend comes along that has such an effect on me, that I feel I can not deal with my own life without that person's support. I find myself surviving...despite the agony of loss...

I am not sure sometimes whether I am going forward, backward, up or down. Sometimes I see my whole life flash before my eyes, and it's nothing exciting...and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere...

A few days ago, I left work feeling overwhelmed with the stress of my job. I find it to be never-ending and never-satisfying. I drove to the Catholic Student Center on campus, parked in the handicapped parking, and fumbled out of my car. I limped my way into the Chapel, and to my suprise...there were four figures all in white kneeling in the front pews of the Chapel...

...my Dominican Sisters were here praying! They were praying the Divine Office, also known as the Liturgy of the Hours. This ancient prayer has been prayed for thousands of years, and is so universally shared, that those who pray it on this hemisphere are sharing in the same exact prayers being prayed on the other side of the world. It's a truly Catholic prayer, with it's chants and rhythms and structure. Heavenly in every sense...

Shortly after the hours, the Sisters began praying the Holy Rosary, meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries...the Passion and suffering and death of Our Lord. My heart, meditating on the great Love Our Savior has for me, was filled with peace and joy...and I haven't felt this way in a long time...

I began speaking to God about how this was very reminiscent of my time with these beautiful Sisters in the convent. I used to pray the Divine office with them, and pray the Holy Rosary. So, it was a blessing to be able to partake in these with them again. Who would have ever told me I would be doing this again with them? Here, in my hometown? God is good!

I asked God, "Why can't I return to them? I loved that life. Why can't I have my friend back? I just keep losing people, God! I have lost them forever."

Mass began, and I lifted up my heavy heart to the Lord...

The Gospel was about the Last Supper, how Jesus knew his betrayer. I wondered, how Jesus felt about Judas? Here was a guy who had spent two years following our Lord, listening to His words, eating with Him, drinking with Him, sharing the jokes, the bad times, the struggles and the victories. Here was a FRIEND, in the true sense of the word, ready to betray Him now...

...I can relate...and I felt a sharp pain in my heart...I have spent agonizing months, feeling abandoned and alone...and scared for my life...

Jesus was feeling all these things, I am sure...for as He was totally Divine, He was also totally human...and in His humanity, I am certain, His agony came at the loss of His friends...

But how did Jesus respond? Was He bitter at Judas? During the Last Supper, Jesus also revealed that Peter was going to deny Him three times. Was Jesus bitter when Peter kept insisting that he would never deny Him?

When Judas betrayed Jesus, he kissed Him on the cheek. Our Lord responded, "You betray your FRIEND with a kiss?" Our Lord never shut the door of friendship to Judas, despite his betrayal. It was Judas who made a very sad choice, in despairing and not relying on Our Lord's friendship. Judas felt he could never be forgiven. And so, in his rejection of the mercy of Jesus, he went off and hung himself.

Peter denied our Lord three times. The Bible states, that a cock crowed, reminding Peter that Our Lord had prophesied that Peter would abandon Him and deny he even knew Who He was! Peter wept bitterly, and ran out into the night. It was after the Resurrection that Our Lord came to Peter and asked him three times, "Peter do you love me?" Our Lord asked him three times in order to "erase" Peter's three denials. He gave Peter a chance...

What is my response to my best friend's total rejection? Have I been bitter? Have I lost sight of the mercy of God? Have I responded with the same love that Jesus showed?

What is my response to Our Lord, in His will for my life?

Father Eilers' homily focused on how weak we Christians can be, and how often we fail Jesus. But, there is always hope...in that we can rise up out of our sinfulness, and reach out to Jesus, knowing full well, that OUR LORD WILL NEVER LEAVE US alone...

...we can be absolutely confident that Our Lord Jesus will never refuse us, never reject us, never hold our failures against us if we choose His Salvation, His Friendship...

At that moment, I felt God telling me that my losses are not lost. I felt Him reminding me, that these Sisters are here...for me! That He brought them here to be closer to me...! I felt God reminding me that He holds everyone in the Palm of His Hand, so I shouldn't be missing my best friend. When I come before the Presence of our God, these people become present to me in a supernatural way...through Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist... I may not have them in my life...but I have them in God. What I feel I have lost...is not lost after all.

Fr. Eilers told us that we should just strive to please Jesus every day of our lives. We should live one day at a time, living righteously in God, living the best we can live. In choosing God every single day, we step closer to Paradise. We had to make the right decisions every day, not to sin, not to fall, not to hurt Our Lord, but be confident that even when we do, we can always come back.

...It was then that I felt God reminding me, that what I cannot have in this world, I will have in the next. I cannot be with my Dominicans here on earth, but I will see them in Paradise. I cannot possess the friendship I once treasured, but I will in the next.

Today is Good Friday. Looking at the Crucifixion, I recognize how Jesus lost everything in this world...He was abandoned...rejected....unloved....yet...His losses were our gain...

Losses are not lost when you live your life in light of Eternity...